You're a Crappy Parent

If you just read the title and thought, "This doesn't apply to me", you're wrong. I'm here to tell you that you're a terrible parent. 

Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Truth be told, I'm a horrendous example of parenting abilities as well. In fact, every single one of us are bad, bad parents.

Let's start at the beginning--labor and delivery.

You had a cesarean, didn't you? One of those "emergency" situations? You let some doctor reach his filthy doctor hands in to your uterus to snatch out your baby. Bad Parent. What's that? You had a homebirth? A natural, birthing pool, aromatherapy-accompanied, family-witnessed miracle of childbirth doodad? Nutjob. You crazy, crunchy, hippy freak. Neither of these? You went to a hospital. Still unnatural and traumatic. You had an epidural? Bad, bad parent. 

OK. Now we've identified why you were unfit from the start. Let's move on.

Feeding options.

You breastfed, you nipple nazi. You militant fundamentalist. Your kid's gonna be asking for booby when they're eight, with serious social problems to boot. Oh, and could you put your breast away? Cause...ew.

You didn't? You formula-fed? You realize, of course that they'll never lead a healthy life, and will probably end up working at the Gas-n-Go because choline deprivation means they'll never get a real job. I mean cow's milk? If humans were meant to drink cow milk, then....er....nevermind.

Let me guess. You decided to stay at home with your little angel(s). Lazy. Spoiled. Repressed. You complain when all you do all day is eat bonbons and watch soaps, contributing nothing to the household income. Gross. No wonder you're fat.

No?

You went back to work, you say? How COULD you? Abandoning your child like that. You should be ashamed. Leaving your child with strangers at some daycare just so you can hold on to some deranged idea of self-sufficiency. *whispers* Don't you know they teach your kids to be gay there?

Ugh, someone better call CPS.

The point I'm trying to make here is that no matter what you do, someone's going to look down on it. I don't know why. Maybe we are so unsure of our judgment calls that if we make someone feel bad enough about theirs, everything will somehow be okay. Whatever your options (or lack thereof) are, someone, somewhere, thinks you made the wrong choice. Which is, of course, patently ridiculous. We should be supporting each other, not denigrating one another or only supporting the people who make the same choices we do.

That's all for today. Go hug your kid before someone comes to take them away.